My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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