At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize