1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
