she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
