did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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