He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
