420 ftw
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
