I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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