I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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