I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
