The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
