oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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