Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
