We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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