I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
