I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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