What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i drank out of a bidet.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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