My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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