Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
