this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
