they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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