sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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