ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
