No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
