you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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