I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
