I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
