just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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