Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
