You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
