today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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