I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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