Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
