so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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