Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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