i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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