You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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