Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
