So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
