Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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