i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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