i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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