Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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