How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Randomize
