I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Come on in and take your pants off
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