dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
