Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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