Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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