Already got asked if we're dating
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
