His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
