The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
40s are totally the cure
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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