but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
