woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
