I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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