OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
