So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
