We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize