Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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