Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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